Tag: mother

Losing It

SMACK!

It didn’t hurt. It did instantly send me from a 4 to a 10.

One breath in, one breath out. Not long enough.

“What do you think you are doing?!”

I can see the path I’m going to take, as if my brain has hijacked me.

At this point, I’m barely aware of it, although I do recognize it.

I can see the space to think and the choice to respond gently instead of acting harshly for less than a flash, and then the space is gone.

Despite all of the other times before, where I have taken a second or third breath and remembered to think and choose, I stop being in control.

I’m sick with a cold. I’m exhausted. I’m annoyed. And now, I’m pissed off.

The object of my rage is my almost 7 year old. It feels good not to be in control. Until it doesn’t.

I slowly turn around. A tug in my brain to parent differently. I ignore myself.

“Do you honestly think that was the right choice to make right then?”

My voice sounds too controlled and calm. I’m no longer thinking. I’m all reaction.

6 seconds of kicking, screaming, and crying while I physically lift her from my bedroom to her bed, where I let out my anger 6 times on her back end.

Losing my temper.

Then I just stop. I remember too late that this isn’t how I want to parent.

I recognize the fear and pain, and this time, I’m causing it.

I stop hitting, but I’m still too angry to be considered safe right now. The shame of losing it this much is settling in, and it’s not helping me.

I am being too loud. Too aggressive. Too threatening. Too much like my own mother.

Clarity.

I back out of her room and tell her to stay there until her father gets home tonight.

That’s too long. I know it is. Even as I say the words, I know I don’t mean them.

I just have nothing else in my toolkit right now.

A seven, almost eight year old doesn’t have the mental or emotional maturity to calm me, a full-grown adult down. Nor should she. It’s not fair to expect from her what I’m not capable of modeling.

Her reaction understandably escalates until I close the door and take the time I should have taken at the beginning to breathe, think, and choose my actions.

I’m calm now. I’m safe again. I haven’t lost my temper like this in a few years, so I’m definitely making some progress.

Of course, I wish I never got here to begin with.

I have damage control to do.

As much as we try to justify our actions as parents, at the end of the day, our kids learn from what we do more than anything we will ever say.

Before I knock on her door. She slips me an apology note under it. My heart breaks. I’m already laying the foundation for trauma instead of peace. I somehow stop myself from spiraling.

When I go back to apologize, I tell her how proud I am that she thought to apologize first when she was so upset herself.

“Apologizing is hard, and I am so proud of you for being able and willing to take the first step.”

I tell her that I’m sorry too. That even if she hit me first, I’m the adult, and it isn’t ok for me to hit her back. 

I let her know that although I’m still not happy with her being ungrateful, I can see now that I made the wrong choice completely on how to address that.

I promise to do better. And I will do better.

It’s not easy to break cycles.

Sometimes, learned behavior seeps through even when you have the best of intentions.

Sometimes, you will make the wrong choice or do the wrong thing, despite knowing the damage and the pain it causes.

It’s important to acknowledge those moments.

It’s important to never pretend them away.

It’s important to not continue the cycle just because breaking the cycle is so hard. Never give up. Always try to do better.

No one is perfect. We need to model the same grace we want our children to live with ourselves.

If anything good comes from me losing it, it’s that my daughter knows I understand her temper. She knows that mommy loves her even after she loses her temper, too. Even after 35 years of practice, mommy still messes up, so it’s ok if they mess up with only 7 or 10 years of practice.

Acknowledged mistakes are half the battle.

Apologizing to your children when you make the wrong choice and it impacts them will build their trust in you.

We aren’t trying to be perfect. We are trying to be whole.

And we are always fighting to break those  cycles.

With God as my Mother

baby holding human finger

 

Having grown up in a Patriarchal society, and attending a Patriarchal denomination for most of my life, allowing myself to think of and describe God in a feminine way still feels very taboo.

My position on this is changing though, and the reason why is a larger understanding of scripture as a whole.

Beginning in Genesis, we are told that both male and female were made in the image of God- yet- we only ever hear of God described through the use of masculine pronouns.

He. Father. Son. Man.

But God is a spirit, and spirits have no gender.

Or, maybe, spirits transcend gender, or are both genders simultaneously. I don’t know, and that’s not really the point of this post.

The point is changing the narrative, overcoming fear, and embracing the feminine attributes of God.

The reason I feel this is important is because you can’t truly love a person if you only allow yourself to acknowledge half of who they are.

How much more would that apply to trying to love God completely and wholeheartedly?

Now, it’s important to acknowledge that even though the Bible does have feminine imagery for God it does not ever directly call God “Mother” or use feminine pronouns.

As with anything, it’s important to understand why- and to realize that the omission of something does not equal that thing being forbidden.

There are instances of cult worship where nature is elevated to a position of deity. In these cults, the earth is referred to as a Mother Goddess. The earth, and nature, are given the worship that God alone deserves. (Think Mother Earth, etc.)

In order to differentiate between God as our creator, and the false goddess of the world- many authors chose to avoid the feminine pronouns altogether. This would avoid confusion on what they were saying, and who they were referring to.

The choice was wise, in light of who their audience was at the time, but, in future generations, it would cause a misunderstanding of what is actually wrong and what is good and right when referring to God.

In an effort to avoid the idolization of the earth- we have idolized the male half of humankind.

In an effort to stop that idolization I am trying to draw awareness to the female imagery of God in the Bible.

The following compilation is taken from the following blog titled: Biblical Maternal Images for God

Biblical Maternal Images for God

“Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.” (Psalm. 17:8)

“… I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.” (Psalm. 57:1)

“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge …” (Psalm. 91:4)

“Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.” (Matthew 23:37; Luke 13:34)

Hosea 13:8 – “Like a bear robbed of her cubs, I will attack them and rip them open,” says the Lord

“For a long time I [God] have kept silent, I have been quiet and held myself back. But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out, I gasp and pant.” (Isaiah. 42:14)

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I [God] comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.” (Isaiah. 66:13)

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I [God] will not forget you!” (Isaiah. 49:15)

God is not a man. Neither is God a woman. God is a Spirit.

And when you worship God, remember this, and worship in Spirit and Truth.