Tag: growth

Losing It

SMACK!

It didn’t hurt. It did instantly send me from a 4 to a 10.

One breath in, one breath out. Not long enough.

“What do you think you are doing?!”

I can see the path I’m going to take, as if my brain has hijacked me.

At this point, I’m barely aware of it, although I do recognize it.

I can see the space to think and the choice to respond gently instead of acting harshly for less than a flash, and then the space is gone.

Despite all of the other times before, where I have taken a second or third breath and remembered to think and choose, I stop being in control.

I’m sick with a cold. I’m exhausted. I’m annoyed. And now, I’m pissed off.

The object of my rage is my almost 7 year old. It feels good not to be in control. Until it doesn’t.

I slowly turn around. A tug in my brain to parent differently. I ignore myself.

“Do you honestly think that was the right choice to make right then?”

My voice sounds too controlled and calm. I’m no longer thinking. I’m all reaction.

6 seconds of kicking, screaming, and crying while I physically lift her from my bedroom to her bed, where I let out my anger 6 times on her back end.

Losing my temper.

Then I just stop. I remember too late that this isn’t how I want to parent.

I recognize the fear and pain, and this time, I’m causing it.

I stop hitting, but I’m still too angry to be considered safe right now. The shame of losing it this much is settling in, and it’s not helping me.

I am being too loud. Too aggressive. Too threatening. Too much like my own mother.

Clarity.

I back out of her room and tell her to stay there until her father gets home tonight.

That’s too long. I know it is. Even as I say the words, I know I don’t mean them.

I just have nothing else in my toolkit right now.

A seven, almost eight year old doesn’t have the mental or emotional maturity to calm me, a full-grown adult down. Nor should she. It’s not fair to expect from her what I’m not capable of modeling.

Her reaction understandably escalates until I close the door and take the time I should have taken at the beginning to breathe, think, and choose my actions.

I’m calm now. I’m safe again. I haven’t lost my temper like this in a few years, so I’m definitely making some progress.

Of course, I wish I never got here to begin with.

I have damage control to do.

As much as we try to justify our actions as parents, at the end of the day, our kids learn from what we do more than anything we will ever say.

Before I knock on her door. She slips me an apology note under it. My heart breaks. I’m already laying the foundation for trauma instead of peace. I somehow stop myself from spiraling.

When I go back to apologize, I tell her how proud I am that she thought to apologize first when she was so upset herself.

“Apologizing is hard, and I am so proud of you for being able and willing to take the first step.”

I tell her that I’m sorry too. That even if she hit me first, I’m the adult, and it isn’t ok for me to hit her back. 

I let her know that although I’m still not happy with her being ungrateful, I can see now that I made the wrong choice completely on how to address that.

I promise to do better. And I will do better.

It’s not easy to break cycles.

Sometimes, learned behavior seeps through even when you have the best of intentions.

Sometimes, you will make the wrong choice or do the wrong thing, despite knowing the damage and the pain it causes.

It’s important to acknowledge those moments.

It’s important to never pretend them away.

It’s important to not continue the cycle just because breaking the cycle is so hard. Never give up. Always try to do better.

No one is perfect. We need to model the same grace we want our children to live with ourselves.

If anything good comes from me losing it, it’s that my daughter knows I understand her temper. She knows that mommy loves her even after she loses her temper, too. Even after 35 years of practice, mommy still messes up, so it’s ok if they mess up with only 7 or 10 years of practice.

Acknowledged mistakes are half the battle.

Apologizing to your children when you make the wrong choice and it impacts them will build their trust in you.

We aren’t trying to be perfect. We are trying to be whole.

And we are always fighting to break those  cycles.

Practical Forgiveness

It’s rich when your abuser preaches forgiveness.

And you are completely justified in the feelings of absolute rage that rhetoric provokes.

It’s humbling when your safe friends preach the same message at the same time.

Because even though your personal feelings around the topic are complicated.

You know forgiveness is right.

It’s hard and it’s not fair. It feels like you are giving up your right to justice and recourse and closure.

And it’s still always the right thing to do.

And that is absolutely rage inducing.

And reconciling the two conflicting emotions that are at war in your soul is the single largest internal battle you will ever face.

Because as cliche as it sounds

Forgiveness is not about letting your abuser off the hook.

Forgiveness is about letting your soul acknowledge the pain.

You must acknowledge the pain you face. You must name it for what it is. Forgivness, contrary to our society’s beliefs and expectations is not pretending the offense never happened. Forgiveness is naming the offense for what it was. Becoming intimate with the damage it caused. Being honest about the scars that were left. That still hurt to touch. That are still being protected from too much stimulation because of the sting.

When we get a physical wound, we don’t constantly scrape at it, or poke it. We don’t (or shouldn’t) pick at the scab that is left behind while the new skin is forming. We also don’t ignore the wound when it happens. We clean out the irritants and dirt to avoid infection. We dress the wound with ointment, and we provide an extra layer of protection until healing occurs.

When abuse happens, and we need to forgive our abusers, in common society, we are asked to skip the steps of cleaning, dressing and healing and move on to the final outcome of a healed mark to remind us.

That isn’t logical or possible.

An ignored wound festers. It becomes infected. Try as we would to pretend that nothing is there, the bacteria gets in and makes us sick from the inside out. Sometimes, the infection hurts us more than the original wound would have to begin with.

Just like a child hides from their parent to avoid the pain of cleaning a hurt scrape, we can hide from each other to avoid the pain of repairing a damaged relationship. And just like pretending the damage isn’t there on a physical wound leads to infection and bigger hurt later, pretending that hurt and offense isn’t there in the name of fake forgiveness causes bigger hurt later.

Sepsis is an infection that stems from this type of scenario- and sepsis if left untreated can cause death.

Unforgiveness is the one thing that can cause us to miss out on heaven. Failure to forgive others causes us to not be able to be forgiven.

It is much more difficult to accept the concept of unconditional love when you realize it applies to the person you have the most problems with as equally as it applies to you.

It is much more difficult to practice unconditional love in action (through actions, not feelings) when we are loving those who hurt us intentionally and we know they hurt us intentionally and they are mocking us by quoting the command to forgive back at us.

We are not forgiving for their sake. We are not providing them a free pass. We are clearing ourselves to receive the blessings and not allowing us to be tied to earthly hindrances.

Forgiveness does not mean intentionally putting yourself in the line of fire either. It is perfectly ok to hold no wish of harm towards another person, and also not want them to be in close proximity to you.

Jesus had his circle of 12, but he treated everyone with kindness and respect. Not everyone needs the same level of access to your soul.

Love

lets_fall_in_love-wallpaper-10187402

I love Love.

Whenever I hear about two people falling in love, I can’t help but smile. I want all of the beautiful, juicy details. The mushier they are, the happier I am.

How did you meet? Was it love at first sight? What caught your interest? How did you get each others attention? Who made the first move? When did you realize it was love? What are your plans, hopes and dreams for the future?

The idea of love promises so much.

There is this sense of security that comes with being in love.

You feel protected and safe. You feel happy. You feel like you belong.

My husband calls it a “coming home” feeling.

I love Love- and as beautiful and wonderful as the love I just described is- there is so much more to love than a mutual affection between two people.

In fact, according to the Ancient Greeks, there are 8 types of love:

  1. Agape- Unconditional Love
  2. Eros- Romantic Love
  3. Philia- Affectionate Love
  4. Philautia- Self Love
  5. Storge- Familiar Love
  6. Pragma- Enduring Love
  7. Ludus- Playful Love
  8. Mania- Obsessive Love

Eros is the type of love so many of us are focused on. It’s the type of love that I described above. It’s good to have Eros in your life, but, there is more to life than Eros.

I’m going to shift gears for a minute.

One of my personal struggles and areas for growth is my tendency to have an all or nothing outlook on life. Everything used to be so black and white for me. – Either something is right, or it is wrong. Either something has value, or it doesn’t. Either something is truth, or it isn’t. – A lot of this mentality is a result of how I (mis?) interpreted what others said about what it means to be a Christian.

Now, to get back on track.

It’s really hard to embrace the spectrum of color that is life and love when you are constantly hearing blanket statements about sin and human nature.

Because blanket statements don’t seem to leave room for unconditional (Agape) love.

It is my personal opinion that Agape love includes, but is not limited to, each of the other types of love.

I’ve either heard it said, read somewhere, or felt the implication that true unconditional love is next to impossible- but maybe not completely impossible- for humanity to experience- that God alone is capable of expressing agape love- and the closer we get to God, the better able we are to love others well.

It is because of this “feeling” that I propose the following:

  1. Truth is found in love.
  2. Religion can get us close, but not all the way.
  3. Religious rules stem from the fear of being unloved.
  4. It’s hard (but not impossible) to accept love, when we can’t, or won’t, give love.
  5. It’s hard (but not impossible) to give love when we can’t, or won’t, accept love.
  6. Love is both a noun and a verb.
  7. We can’t always control how we feel.
  8. We can always control how we act.
  9. You don’t have to like or agree with someone to love them- but it definitely helps.
  10. When loving others becomes your focus, the fear of being unloved is removed.
  11. When the fear of being unloved no longer controls you, you see the world differently.
  12. When you love people for who they are, you become less concerned with their choices- and you allow them to experience love without conditions.
  13. Being able to truly love without conditions is the strongest evidence of spiritual growth.

 

But, what IS love?

To quote the Bible:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Love is intangible- You can see it through others, you can feel it in your life, you can express it through actions and words- but, at it’s core- love is just a concept.

Just an idea.

A whisper, a breath, a vapor.

It has no form. It has no color. It has no shape, no mass, no quantifiable measurement.

Love just is.

and, at the center of it all-

God is Love. (1 John 4:8)