It’s rich when your abuser preaches forgiveness.
And you are completely justified in the feelings of absolute rage that rhetoric provokes.
It’s humbling when your safe friends preach the same message at the same time.
Because even though your personal feelings around the topic are complicated.
You know forgiveness is right.
It’s hard and it’s not fair. It feels like you are giving up your right to justice and recourse and closure.
And it’s still always the right thing to do.
And that is absolutely rage inducing.
And reconciling the two conflicting emotions that are at war in your soul is the single largest internal battle you will ever face.
Because as cliche as it sounds
Forgiveness is not about letting your abuser off the hook.
Forgiveness is about letting your soul acknowledge the pain.
You must acknowledge the pain you face. You must name it for what it is. Forgivness, contrary to our society’s beliefs and expectations is not pretending the offense never happened. Forgiveness is naming the offense for what it was. Becoming intimate with the damage it caused. Being honest about the scars that were left. That still hurt to touch. That are still being protected from too much stimulation because of the sting.
When we get a physical wound, we don’t constantly scrape at it, or poke it. We don’t (or shouldn’t) pick at the scab that is left behind while the new skin is forming. We also don’t ignore the wound when it happens. We clean out the irritants and dirt to avoid infection. We dress the wound with ointment, and we provide an extra layer of protection until healing occurs.
When abuse happens, and we need to forgive our abusers, in common society, we are asked to skip the steps of cleaning, dressing and healing and move on to the final outcome of a healed mark to remind us.
That isn’t logical or possible.
An ignored wound festers. It becomes infected. Try as we would to pretend that nothing is there, the bacteria gets in and makes us sick from the inside out. Sometimes, the infection hurts us more than the original wound would have to begin with.
Just like a child hides from their parent to avoid the pain of cleaning a hurt scrape, we can hide from each other to avoid the pain of repairing a damaged relationship. And just like pretending the damage isn’t there on a physical wound leads to infection and bigger hurt later, pretending that hurt and offense isn’t there in the name of fake forgiveness causes bigger hurt later.
Sepsis is an infection that stems from this type of scenario- and sepsis if left untreated can cause death.
Unforgiveness is the one thing that can cause us to miss out on heaven. Failure to forgive others causes us to not be able to be forgiven.
It is much more difficult to accept the concept of unconditional love when you realize it applies to the person you have the most problems with as equally as it applies to you.
It is much more difficult to practice unconditional love in action (through actions, not feelings) when we are loving those who hurt us intentionally and we know they hurt us intentionally and they are mocking us by quoting the command to forgive back at us.
We are not forgiving for their sake. We are not providing them a free pass. We are clearing ourselves to receive the blessings and not allowing us to be tied to earthly hindrances.
Forgiveness does not mean intentionally putting yourself in the line of fire either. It is perfectly ok to hold no wish of harm towards another person, and also not want them to be in close proximity to you.
Jesus had his circle of 12, but he treated everyone with kindness and respect. Not everyone needs the same level of access to your soul.
The Ashley Smith Blog 