Determine to be kind to the very first person you encounter tomorrow, regardless of the situation, and regardless of if they are kind to you. Then, do the same for the next person. Repeat.
Some examples of kindness in action:
Participate in a pay-it-forward line at your favorite coffee shop. Better yet, start the line.
Move to the far left lane (if safe to do so) when approaching a merge lane.
Compliment someone for something other than their looks.
Make eye contact and smile. (Just don’t be creepy about it.)
Hold the door open for someone. Even better- hold the elevator.
Let someone cut in front of you in line.
Have bottles of water prepared for pan-handlers, even if you have witnessed them driving a nice car 2 blocks earlier.
There are so many real life, practical ways to show love, and religion, culture, race, and politics have no bearing.
Update: at some point, the original post my post is linked to was removed. It was an article detailing mystical beliefs held by members of the UPCI about the power and virtue of a woman’s uncut hair. Once the veil is lifted, it is fully lifted. Ladies- the teaching that your hair has more power than simply calling on the name of Jesus like any believer can do is a lie. God is no respector of persons. There is no magical mystical extra powerful prayer power in hair.
I used to believe this. To my core. Now it literally makes me cringe.
There is so much going on here that is counter to what the Bible actually teaches. There is so much mysticism and blatant idolatry happening.
I don’t know where to begin, other than with my personal struggles.
1. Power is in the name of Jesus ONLY. There is no power in the length, or virginity of your hair. Saying so reminds me of when the Israelis were punished for worshipping the image of the golden snake instead of God for stopping the disease and death.
2. This is fear mongering. The Bible says that God is no respector of persons. There is neither Male nor female, we are all one in Christ, that God is just, that rain falls on the good and the evil. Having long uncut hair is NOT a prerequisite, nor a guarantee of divine protection. What is your response to the woman who has lived with this belief her entire life, and still experiences the pain of heartbreak and loss?
3. This is idolatry. Women are taught that their appearance trumps how they feel on the inside. If you are struggling with your faith, don’t touch your hair. Fake it until you make it.
For YEARS I have struggled with anxiety and depression, but because I’m very good at knowing my audience, and intuitively am able to know and meet expectations, no one bothered to ask me how I was. People, in leadership and otherwise, would ramble on and vent, completely unaware and willfully ignorant of the damage their words and zeal caused.
4. This is spiritual abuse. This takes various scriptures, with different contexts, historical settings and writing styles, and tries to mesh them together to create a proof text of every single mother’s worst fear: inadvertently being the cause of harm to their children. Add to that the hint of a threat of eternal consequences, feel good miracles that always happen to a friend of a friend, but elude you every time you ask in faith.
Every circumstance that results from LIFE is an obstacle to overcome through some grand, pre suggested symbol of your faith in action- usually a monetary “seed offering”. The unanswered prayers being explained as either a lack of faith or something even better being on the way.
5. It’s legalistic. It paints a view of a God that is more concerned with the outward appearance instead of the heart- when scripture actually says that MEN look on the outward appearance but God sees the heart.
6. It’s bad hermeneutics. “Scholars” neglect the detail that the format of most of Paul’s writings were to quote questions asked of him, then deliver his response. They ignore the law of first mention. They draw ambiguous parallels. They directly relate it to the doctrine of authority and headship, which is in and of itself false doctrine, directly counter to the ENTIRE ministry and example of Jesus.
Having grown up in a Patriarchal society, and attending a Patriarchal denomination for most of my life, allowing myself to think of and describe God in a feminine way still feels very taboo.
My position on this is changing though, and the reason why is a larger understanding of scripture as a whole.
Beginning in Genesis, we are told that both male and female were made in the image of God- yet- we only ever hear of God described through the use of masculine pronouns.
He. Father. Son. Man.
But God is a spirit, and spirits have no gender.
Or, maybe, spirits transcend gender, or are both genders simultaneously. I don’t know, and that’s not really the point of this post.
The point is changing the narrative, overcoming fear, and embracing the feminine attributes of God.
The reason I feel this is important is because you can’t truly love a person if you only allow yourself to acknowledge half of who they are.
How much more would that apply to trying to love God completely and wholeheartedly?
Now, it’s important to acknowledge that even though the Bible does have feminine imagery for God it does not ever directly call God “Mother” or use feminine pronouns.
As with anything, it’s important to understand why- and to realize that the omission of something does not equal that thing being forbidden.
There are instances of cult worship where nature is elevated to a position of deity. In these cults, the earth is referred to as a Mother Goddess. The earth, and nature, are given the worship that God alone deserves. (Think Mother Earth, etc.)
In order to differentiate between God as our creator, and the false goddess of the world- many authors chose to avoid the feminine pronouns altogether. This would avoid confusion on what they were saying, and who they were referring to.
The choice was wise, in light of who their audience was at the time, but, in future generations, it would cause a misunderstanding of what is actually wrong and what is good and right when referring to God.
In an effort to avoid the idolization of the earth- we have idolized the male half of humankind.
In an effort to stop that idolization I am trying to draw awareness to the female imagery of God in the Bible.
The following compilation is taken from the following blog titled: Biblical Maternal Images for God
“Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.” (Psalm. 17:8)
“… I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.” (Psalm. 57:1)
“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge …” (Psalm. 91:4)
“Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.” (Matthew 23:37; Luke 13:34)
Hosea 13:8 – “Like a bear robbed of her cubs, I will attack them and rip them open,” says the Lord
“For a long time I [God] have kept silent, I have been quiet and held myself back. But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out, I gasp and pant.” (Isaiah. 42:14)
“As a mother comforts her child, so will I [God] comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.” (Isaiah. 66:13)
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I [God] will not forget you!” (Isaiah. 49:15)
God is not a man. Neither is God a woman. God is a Spirit.
And when you worship God, remember this, and worship in Spirit and Truth.
Whenever I hear about two people falling in love, I can’t help but smile. I want all of the beautiful, juicy details. The mushier they are, the happier I am.
How did you meet? Was it love at first sight? What caught your interest? How did you get each others attention? Who made the first move? When did you realize it was love? What are your plans, hopes and dreams for the future?
The idea of love promises so much.
There is this sense of security that comes with being in love.
You feel protected and safe. You feel happy. You feel like you belong.
My husband calls it a “coming home” feeling.
I love Love- and as beautiful and wonderful as the love I just described is- there is so much more to love than a mutual affection between two people.
In fact, according to the Ancient Greeks, there are 8 types of love:
Agape- Unconditional Love
Eros- Romantic Love
Philia- Affectionate Love
Philautia- Self Love
Storge- Familiar Love
Pragma- Enduring Love
Ludus- Playful Love
Mania- Obsessive Love
Eros is the type of love so many of us are focused on. It’s the type of love that I described above. It’s good to have Eros in your life, but, there is more to life than Eros.
I’m going to shift gears for a minute.
One of my personal struggles and areas for growth is my tendency to have an all or nothing outlook on life. Everything used to be so black and white for me. – Either something is right, or it is wrong. Either something has value, or it doesn’t. Either something is truth, or it isn’t. – A lot of this mentality is a result of how I (mis?) interpreted what others said about what it means to be a Christian.
Now, to get back on track.
It’s really hard to embrace the spectrum of color that is life and love when you are constantly hearing blanket statements about sin and human nature.
Because blanket statements don’t seem to leave room for unconditional (Agape) love.
It is my personal opinion that Agape love includes, but is not limited to, each of the other types of love.
I’ve either heard it said, read somewhere, or felt the implication that true unconditional love is next to impossible- but maybe not completely impossible- for humanity to experience- that God alone is capable of expressing agape love- and the closer we get to God, the better able we are to love others well.
It is because of this “feeling” that I propose the following:
Truth is found in love.
Religion can get us close, but not all the way.
Religious rules stem from the fear of being unloved.
It’s hard (but not impossible) to accept love, when we can’t, or won’t, give love.
It’s hard (but not impossible) to give love when we can’t, or won’t, accept love.
Love is both a noun and a verb.
We can’t always control how we feel.
We can always control how we act.
You don’t have to like or agree with someone to love them- but it definitely helps.
When loving others becomes your focus, the fear of being unloved is removed.
When the fear of being unloved no longer controls you, you see the world differently.
When you love people for who they are, you become less concerned with their choices- and you allow them to experience love without conditions.
Being able to truly love without conditions is the strongest evidence of spiritual growth.
But, what IS love?
To quote the Bible:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Love is intangible- You can see it through others, you can feel it in your life, you can express it through actions and words- but, at it’s core- love is just a concept.
Just an idea.
A whisper, a breath, a vapor.
It has no form. It has no color. It has no shape, no mass, no quantifiable measurement.
Submission is beautiful until it becomes about control. Then it’s witchcraft.
I heard/read this quote on a comment to a Facebook live video. It resonates with me.
I’m going off script- and what I’m trying to say is meant to help those who have fallen victim to spiritual abuse.
Spiritual Abuse is when someone uses the threat of eternal consequences to maintain a position of control.
It sounds a lot like “submit to those who have authority over you, or else…” “submit to your pastor, even if he is wrong, God will bless your obedience” (this one irks me in a special sort of way) or “the only way to be saved is to follow “my” rules- here’s how I twisted scripture to support that”.
It’s been my personal experience (with some, not all) that pastors in the UPCI (United Pentecostal Church International) are obsessed with the idea of pastoral authority. They preach it often as gospel. The pastor’s preferences on matters that are supposed to be a representation of the individuals personal walk with God are preached to be as ideal and as authoritative as the Bible.
Many of the examples pertain to women, but not all.
Women- don’t cut your hair. Men- don’t have long hair.
Women- don’t wear pants or be immodest. Men- don’t wear shorts or appear to be too feminine in your appearance.
Women- don’t wear make up. Men- don’t have beards.
Both- Avoid movie theaters.
Both- Abstain from alcohol and other mind altering drugs.
Both- Ask your pastor for advice before doing anything that affects your personal life.
I could go on, but you get the idea.
Each of these examples are beautiful symbols of consecration IF the believer truly wants to live this way.
The issue is when the believer points out the legalism behind these “standards”.
It’s always coated with a layer of “we don’t do these things TO BE saved, we do these things because WE ARE saved”.
The unspoken implication of course is- if you don’t do these things, then you aren’t really saved. Enter- Spiritual Abuse.
Pastors, friends desiring pastoral roles in this denomination- please see this for what it is.
Please study the cultural context behind the passages most often used to perpetrate this belief system.
Please stop referring to people, like me, who have chosen to live in the freedom God has given us, as backsliders.
It’s damaging. It causes depression and anxiety. It creates a stumbling block.
It’s not your job as a pastor to monitor the day to day lives of your congregation. It’s your job as a pastor to encourage a personal walk with God between God and each unique individual in your church- and that walk- if the culture you create in your church is of authentic freedom- will and should- look differently for every person.
We AREN’T sheep- as much as that term is loved. We ARE all human beings, created in the image of our creator, and we all have the right and the freedom to express our love for Him however HE leads us- not how a pastor sees fit to declare from a pulpit.
(I am aware that this may come across as harsh. A lot of the pastors I know on a personal level would argue that they enforce standards because they have to give an account to God for the souls of their congregation. You aren’t responsible for making people follow a list of rules- only for creating an environment of growth and acceptance.)
As I study more about Paul and the early church, without the lens of Western Christianity, the more I’m convinced that Paul wanted the whole gospel spread to the whole world. I believe he was a pacifist who wanted new Christians to obey the laws of their time UNLESS those laws impeded what are now considered basic human rights. Obey the law when it’s morally acceptable, and don’t when it’s not. I believe that his interpretation of morally acceptable directly related to loving God and loving each other.
I don’t believe that sin is found in how we dress, what form of entertainment you prefer, or in your willingness or ability to leave your brain at the door. I believe that sin is directly proportionate to the love we show others. Especially when we disagree with their political views, religion, or lifestyle.
Paul’s words were never about how to reach people, but always about how to live so your life was the testimony.
I believe that America has become obsessed with the idea of identifying sin based on culture and social cues, instead of on the Word of God. Instead of being concerned with the trap of legislating grace and creating an environment of legalism instead of freedom, we have created corporations out of mercy, and we withhold the true message of the gospel for fear of monetary loss.
Just imagine the impact America would have in spreading the gospel if as a country she applied those same principles that us as individuals are admonished to abide by.
I’m not talking about the principles of working for your food, but of giving freely as God gave freely. I’m not talking about the principles of abolishing abortion or gay marriage, but of if your enemy compels you to walk one mile, walk two. I’m not talking about the principles of destroy the enemies of God, but of love your enemy. I’m not talking about the principles of pending doom and judgement, but of love and peace.
The interesting thing about faith? None of that makes sense, but faith never does. A lot of evangelical and fundamental churches constantly ask us to ignore logic and human reasoning when it comes to excluding people from grace. It’s time to do the same so we can include everyone.
True Christianity is about doing the right thing, even if you lose your comfort, standard of living, or life.
Chances are you know about the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus. You many not believe it, but you have heard about it.
Maybe the good news isn’t so much that Jesus died- but more that He lived. Maybe the point isn’t so much “what” happened, as “why” it happened.
Maybe we are missing the mark by ignoring why that subtle difference matters.
I don’t think the most important take away of the good news is that we get to escape hell.
The good news is good news because it’s meant to bring God’s kingdom (Heaven) to earth.
In the words of Jesus “Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.”
The good news isn’t that those who follow Jesus get to miraculously escape the evils of the world we live in, but that those who follow Jesus are constantly working to show love where evil presides the most.
The good news is meant to invoke so much love for our fellow human beings that it doesn’t make sense to those who don’t understand what it means to truly love.
For example, it’s easy for (most) us to love our family more than we love ourselves- easy to the point of almost being natural.
An instinct.
An impulse.
I wouldn’t think twice about going without a meal to make sure my own kids have enough to eat. My husband wouldn’t think twice about giving me his jacket if I’m cold, even if he is cold too.
It’s not easy to apply those same principals to people we don’t know- people who we aren’t personally invested in or acquainted with. People we have been taught to be wary or judgmental of.
It’s not easy to willingly vote for higher taxes so the poor in our community can have equal access to health care.
It’s not easy to set aside our prejudice and fear so those seeking asylum have the same opportunity to live in peace that we do.
It’s not easy to demand equal rights for all when the path to get there threatens our own privilege.
It’s not easy to hear and listen to the cry for bodily autonomy when we associate that with a threat to our own comfort and quality of life.
But that’s what it means to share the good news. That’s what it means to love others the way we love ourselves. That’s what it means to love the way Jesus loved.
Just as we traditionally think of fathers protecting and mothers nurturing- God protects and nurtures us.
Both men and women were created in God’s own image- and that fact transcends political preference and personal bias. That fact reaches to all nations, every tribe, every tongue, every culture.
Each and every single human being on this earth is the image of God, and as such we are all God’s children.
If we are to believe that God is our parent, then we have to believe that God is their parent too. There is no discriminating factor with God.
It’s important to note that God’s kingdom isn’t limited by geography, or language, or culture- anything that defines or limits earthly kingdoms.
“Jesus answered, “My Kingdom is not an earthly kingdom. If it were, my followers would fight to keep me from being handed over to the Jewish leaders. But my kingdom is not of this world.” (John 18:36)
If we truly believe that God is loving and just and merciful and kind- we have to believe that doesn’t only apply to us in our North American bubble- It applies to the Middle East. It applies to Russia. It applies to Syria. It applies to those we are at war with. It applies to those we have peace treaties with. It applies to those we have harmed. It applies to those who have harmed us.
God is Love.
Where love is, God is.
“Anyone who does not love, does not know God, because God is love.” (1 John 4:8)
The greatest command is to love God, and to love your neighbor is of equal value:
“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 22: 37-40)
You can’t love an invisible God if you can’t love visible people.
“If we say we love God, but hate others, we are liars. For we cannot love God, whom we have not seen, if we do not love others, whom we have seen. ” (1 John 4:20)
In order to truly love- we have to first understand what it means to love, and to love well.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-10)
If God is love, then:
God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud. God is not rude, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no account of wrongs. God takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. God bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. God never fails.
I don’t think it’s an accident that the first fruit of the Spirit listed is love.
“For the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law” Galatians 5:22-23
There is no law against love.
And maybe that is what the good news is all about to begin with.
Maybe that was what Jesus was trying to teach us through his ministry on earth.
Maybe that is what we are responsible for spreading to the whole earth.
If your religion teaches you not to love another person- than your religion is in vain, and it is not of God.
This piece was originally a Facebook post fueled by the intense emotional events that took place during the first week of May 2019. I’ve adapted it just a bit to more accurately honor those who lost their lives.
Today, I am struggling.
I’ve always been an empathetic person.
Sometimes I feel like I can sense other people’s emotions, and I feel them exactly as if they were my own emotions.
This part of my personality has been a positive in many ways.
I’m more able to truly understand the reasons why people make the choices that they make. I’m able to turn off my preferences and reasoning- and see things from their point of view. I believe that when people feel understood and heard, they begin to trust you to not hurt them the way others may have hurt them- unintentionally- through a lack of understanding.
I can’t turn it off though. At least, not without shutting down completely.
When tragedy strikes in the form of senseless violence- that’s when it’s the worst for me.
The first tragedy to take place this past week was the senseless shooting at UNCC (University of North Carolina, Charlotte Campus) where 2 students, Riley Howell and Ellis “Reed” Parlier lost their lives, and 4 more were injured. The shooters only motivation being the desire for infamy.
Its during times like this that I can’t seem to distinguish my own feelings from what I sense everyone else must be feeling.
My imagination runs wild.
I don’t understand how one human being can make the choice to intentionally, and without provocation, harm another human being.
For years I’ve heard the answer that it’s just a result of sin.
Bad things happen to good people because we have the freedom to choose, and sometimes, our choices affect other people in a negative way.
Death is a result of sin. It’s a curse all of humanity is faced with. The only difference being how we die.
This response is easier to accept when the “bad things” are sickness, or poverty, or conflict. Those things aren’t as final. There is a sense of hope extended to the future, a deeply desired delay of the inevitable.
Then, I heard of the passing of the beloved Rachel Held Evans.
Her book “Inspired” still only half read sitting beside me.
A 37 year old woman. A wife. A mother. An author. A speaker. A Jesus lover. A friend to many. A beacon of hope to the marginalized.
Unexpectedly and suddenly- due to unforeseen complications from the flu- was gone forever.
I don’t know how to accept it when the “bad things” are the murder of innocent people. I also don’t know how to accept it when the “bad things” are the unanswered prayers of so many for someone so loved, and who was doing so much good.
Then later that very same day, as if the other two events weren’t bad enough, I read the news that a Mooresville Police Officer was shot in the line of duty. Only 2 minutes from where I live.
I prayed my standard prayer for the safety of all involved, checked for updates, made sure my family was safe, and went to bed.
I woke up at 3:30 in the morning, checked for updates, and learned that Police Officer Sheldon, the K-9 officer in our community, did not survive his injuries.
It was a routine traffic stop. It made no sense.
I later learned that the suspect had, after fleeing the scene, gone to his apartment and shot himself.
That made even less sense.
Why would he murder a police officer to avoid whatever he was trying to avoid- but then, murder himself too?
Death is so final. Wouldn’t that be worse than anything he was trying to avoid in the first place? Why didn’t he think things through?
So many questions. Absolutely no satisfying answers.
On Sunday, we went to church like normal. I could already feel the heaviness of everything from the past week fighting for control of my mind.
It takes incredible effort for me to not spiral into a never-ending tidal wave of sadness, fear, depression and anxiety.
I only half listened to the sermon. I was too distracted. Even so, I heard our pastor make the comment that we can’t control God.
That God heals those He chooses to heal. That God shows mercy on those He chooses to show mercy. And that the difference is favor.
My defenses immediately went up.
“But God is Just”, my internal monologue objected, “and the Bible says that he doesn’t have favorites. So, how do you reconcile the concept of a just, merciful, loving God, with the concept of a God who is choosing NOT to intervene?
How does the idea that God has no favorites jive with the idea that God chooses to save some, and not others? That God chooses to heal some, and not others?”
I know the go to religious responses.
I’ve dedicated the majority of my life to learning the perfect response for every situation so I would be seen as a person of great faith.
“His ways are higher than our ways.”
“God can make good come out of any situation.”
“Maybe there was a reason that isn’t evident yet.”
In all honesty though, those standard responses aren’t very helpful.
They aren’t helpful to those who are left to pick up the pieces of a tragic loss.
They aren’t helpful to those who are already struggling with their faith.
They aren’t helpful to those who are already engaged in a wrestling match with God.
Sometimes, not having an answer is better than trying to make sense of a senseless situation.
Sometimes, bad stuff just happens, and there is no good reason for it.
That realization is more comforting than trying to figure out why God deemed it necessary for someone you love to die. More comforting than trying to understand what potential good offsets such a terrible evil.
Not having an answer isn’t a sign of a lack of faith.
Sometimes, wrestling with God is okay.
It’s okay to grieve, to feel pain, to hurt, to be angry- not being in a constant state of joy doesn’t make you less of a Christian, or less of a person of faith.
Not being joyful doesn’t make you less than.
Jesus himself was described as a man acquainted with grief.
Allow yourself to feel. Don’t fake it. Be honest with yourself and others about your emotions.
Doing so gives others the permission they need to do the same.
So, today, I am struggling.
I don’t know why the first week of May was the last week of the lives of these heroes, I just know that it was.
I wrote this piece a few months ago while I was in therapy. I was trying to pin-point the source of my constant anxiety. With so many gaps in my memory from my childhood, these are the most vivid memories that often present in the form of recurring dreams. There is a lot alluded to, but I don’t know how much of these memories to trust as actual fact.
Sometimes they wash over you like a cloud rolls across the sky on a cool spring day. They give you just the faintest outline of an image, that if stared at too long becomes distorted, but if half ignored takes shape in the most marvelous of ways.
Sometimes they are so jarring that you wake up in the middle of the night. Heart pounding. Palms sweaty. Nervous. Anxious. Not able to remember what caused the reaction, but absolutely certain it was terrible.
Sometimes they bring a smile to your lips. A sparkle to your eyes. You are lost in a moment of nostalgia. You can recall every word, every detail, every sound, every smell. And you never want to forget.
Sometimes, you push them away. You don’t want to remember. You try to distract yourself. You force your mind to focus on other things. You remember, but you desperately want to forget.
A seemingly unrelated event brings everything rushing back.
The strange, metal, army green chest and the single bed. The bedroom that had nothing else in it. But where was it? Why were you alone? Why were you afraid? Was it even real?
The whispers. The looks. The sadness. The anger.
The fat lady singing about a fire. Being woken up because you had to evacuate because a gas station down the road actually did catch fire.
The questions that suggest something terrible and unspeakable might have happened to you. But you don’t know. There’s a gap, a blank, a void. You want to remember, to put the questions at ease, but you don’t trust what’s real and what’s imagined.
The punishments for being a kid. Being forced to double over backwards as a time out. Until the pain became so unbearable you give in to the spanking for moving because that’s better than the numbness you feel.
The fear of doing anything wrong.
Ever.
You might think people are nice, but if you make them angry, they might become someone you don’t recognize. You just don’t want to take that chance.
The recurring dream of there being a secret passageway in your school’s cafeteria. If you find it, you can finally escape. But, you can also get lost and never be found.
The realization that you are just a shell of who you want to be, because you are scared of what your genes might have made you.
Am I strong enough to change history for my own family?
They aren’t all bad. You know there are some hidden good ones scattered here and there. The problem is braving the process. Not knowing what will trigger a fleeting image. The eternal impact.
The yellow big bird slippers that only had one eye. The doll house, that you loved, but don’t remember, other than it being given to you.
Your babysitter’s son telling you that you have to do what he says or you will be in trouble, then being led into his bedroom. You can only imagine what happened next, because like so much else, everything after that point is blank in your mind.
You want them to stop. But you also want to understand.
I am a survivor of childhood abuse and trauma. For some, including myself, this is a revelation. For others, it is not.
Most people are aware of what physical abuse and sexual abuse are, and most people would agree that those types of abuse are absolutely wrong.
It is even easier to define and understand what constitutes physical and sexual abuse. There is little room for “grey” areas. The resulting injuries are more obvious, are more immediate, and are more difficult to ignore.
Emotional abuse, also referred to as mental, or psychological abuse, is a different story.
Emotional abuse is behavior based. One definition states that emotional abuse is characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post- traumatic stress disorder.
Psychology Today suggests that often, an emotionally abusive person is not aware that they are being abusive.
I think it is very important to note that there is a significant difference between a healthy expression of negative emotions, and emotional abuse.
The difference is the control factor.
It has taken me a long time to realize that feeling and expressing negative emotions is healthy and normal. What is not normal is trying to ignore any and all negative emotion, leaving it bottled up inside of you, until it explodes with little to no provocation down the road.
It is normal, healthy, and okay to tell people how you feel. It is not normal, healthy, or okay to use those negative emotions to try and manipulate or control the actions or behavior of others. At that point, is when you have crossed the line and have entered the territory of emotional abuse.
Let me give some examples based loosely off of my personal life to better demonstrate the difference. These are in no particular order, and may or may not be attributed to me directly.
The Scenario:
A child eats something in her parents’ bed while watching T.V. The child accidentally gets crumbs in the bed.
The Reaction:
The mother finds the crumbs in her bed, and is understandably frustrated at the increased housework involved with needing to change her sheets, despite having told the child previously to not eat in bed. The mother decides an appropriate punishment would be to take a package of crackers and crumble them up in the child’s bed, and then force the child to sleep in the mess so that the child understands why she isn’t supposed to eat in bed in the first place.
The Conclusion:
It is normal and healthy to be frustrated with crumbs in your bed. It is abusive to retaliate on the level of putting crumbs in a child’s bed and forcing the child to sleep in it.
An appropriate alternative would have been to give a time out, or to require that the child clean up her own mess.
The Scenario:
A teenage daughter comes home from school, excited at the prospect of finally being allowed to go visit her friends after school. The permission for this visit is rare, and requires the mother to drive the daughter to her friends’ house. When the daughter walks in the door, she finds the mother in one of her bad moods, over something that was beyond the daughters’ control. The daughter recognizes the situation and realizes that she will have to cancel her plans again. The daughter expresses her disappointment and asks why.
The Reaction:
The daughters’ question is met with rage from the mother, and is told that the decision is because the mother is the mother, that’s the way things are, and if the daughter doesn’t like it, the daughter can leave.
The Conclusion:
Punishing someone for something that they had no part in and for something that they could not control is emotional abuse. Taking your anger and frustration out on your daughter simply because you are the mother and can, then reacting to a normal expression of disappointment with more anger and threats is emotional abuse.
The appropriate and healthy alternative would have been to go to the root cause of the original frustration and work it out, without denying the daughter something she was looking forward to.
The Scenario:
An adult daughter has a disagreement with her emotionally abusive mother. The adult daughter recognized that her own part in the interaction is becoming too emotional, so she chooses to end the interaction until she has a chance to calm down and look at the situation more rationally. The mother becomes enraged that that the daughter has set boundaries and is keeping those boundaries.
The Reaction:
The mother chooses to make the disagreement public. The mother chooses to use criticism, shaming, and blaming techniques, delivers a false narrative of events in an attempt to gain sympathy from onlookers and to manipulate and control her daughter’s response. The mother refuses to accept her part in the disagreement, and shifts to name calling whenever the daughter attempts to defend herself. Ultimately, the mother withholds affection and refuses to communicate at all.
The Conclusion:
Nothing about the previous reaction was healthy or normal. In fact, it demonstrates nearly all 10 signs of emotional abuse in relationships.
The appropriate alternative would have been to take some time to calm down, admit her part in the interaction, and avoid going public in an attempt to shame and humiliate.
So, what are the 10 signs of emotional abuse? Psychology Today lists them as follows:
Constant criticism or attempts to manipulate and control.
Shaming and blaming with hostile sarcasm or outright verbal assault.
The use of shaming and belittling language.
Verbal abuse- name calling.
Withholding affection.
Punishment and threats of punishment.
Refusal to accept your part in the dynamic.
Mind games, such as gas-lighting, when it comes to accepting personal responsibility for your own happiness.
Refusing to communicate at all.
Isolating from supportive friends and family.
The parent/child dynamic is complicated.
Society expects there to be an unbreakable bond between children and parents. Children are supposed to show their parents unwavering loyalty, regardless of the situation or circumstances.
In many cases, the survivor of childhood emotional abuse doesn’t recognize the abuse until they are adults. When the revelation does occur, it is heart-breaking. The adult child is finally able to realize and accept that they were never the issue to begin with, despite efforts from the abuser to make them believe the opposite.
The adult survivor of childhood abuse experiences an awakening moment. They become more fully self-aware and hyper-vigilant that they don’t cause the same level of pain that they have experienced.
This revelation, in and of itself, comes with its own unique set of hurdles that must be overcome. You may not get the closure you need.
Anxiety and depression finally make sense. Living in a constant state of fight or flight has very real emotional and physical consequences.
The headaches and stomachaches you’ve experienced, but don’t seem to have a medical cause, may have an emotional one instead.
Brain fog, or the inability to remember your past, is a real indicator. Children possess the unique ability to block trauma as a coping mechanism. These blocked or suppressed memories are often revealed as adults through high stress events that trigger the release of all of the emotions that go along with the memories.
Survivors may also have experience with being socially withdrawn, lacking in self- confidence, and having low self-esteem.
When an adult survivor realizes that their own parent may be the perpetrator of the abuse they have experienced, they may go through a period of denial. This period of denial can also be related to the common cycle of abuse. They will confront the parent in question, which will cause a sort of reprieve wherein everything seems to get better, and the survivor of abuse begins to doubt their own memory of events, or think that things aren’t really as bad as they are. That lasts until the next time the survivor feels that boundaries are being crossed, and re-establishes those boundaries. At that point, things don’t get better as they did previously. Instead, they get worse, and the adult child is left with the realization that they were right to begin with.
Understanding this doesn’t lessen the difficulty of accepting that those who are supposed to protect you from harm have either advertently or inadvertently, caused the harm you have experienced.
The adult survivor will want to prove themselves wrong. They will want to convince themselves that things weren’t really as bad as they remember, or don’t remember.
The adult survivor will seek reconciliation with their abuser. This will be done with the hope that the abuse will be admitted, and that a true parent/child relationship can be established.
The adult survivor will experience further abuse in the form of shame and judgement for having the courage to name the abuse for what it is, and exposing their abuser.
The adult survivor will blame themselves. They will look for the link between their actions and the subsequent abuse, no matter how small, and will use that as proof that the problem is really with them, and not the abuser.
For example, if I didn’t hang up on my mother in an attempt to establish my boundaries, she wouldn’t have made our argument public, and I wouldn’t be experiencing the level of guilt, shame and embarrassment that I am.
The adult survivor will have already grieved. With the realization that the abusive parent is either not able to recognize the abuse for what it is, or is not willing to admit it, the adult survivor will let their hope for a healthy relationship die. They will accept the situation for what it is, and they will mourn the loss of the relationship they wanted, but could never have.
This one is a little bit harder to understand unless you have experienced it. Well-meaning people will admonish you to let go of the anger, not realizing that there is no real anger, only a deep and profound sadness. They will say that their stance is because they don’t want you to have any regrets. What they don’t understand is that you have already experienced all of the regrets, and they were regrets that you had no control over. For the sake of your health, you are letting the toxic people and experiences go, and with that conscious decision comes a rare sentiment of freedom and relief.
The Ashley Smith Blog 