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Signs

“And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years: and let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.”

Genesis 1: 14-15 KJV

Why do we ignore the signs part?

Why do we consider astrology to be a form of witchcraft instead of another way to interpret God speaking to us?

Why do we leave out the first purpose listed?

Are we too educated, too intelligent, too unbelieving to seriously consider the possibility of fate?

Do we get to pick and choose what we believe, when it sounds ridiculous, but not when it serves a political purpose?

What if we paid more attention, as a whole, to all of the tools we are given?

Losing It

SMACK!

It didn’t hurt. It did instantly send me from a 4 to a 10.

One breath in, one breath out. Not long enough.

“What do you think you are doing?!”

I can see the path I’m going to take, as if my brain has hijacked me.

At this point, I’m barely aware of it, although I do recognize it.

I can see the space to think and the choice to respond gently instead of acting harshly for less than a flash, and then the space is gone.

Despite all of the other times before, where I have taken a second or third breath and remembered to think and choose, I stop being in control.

I’m sick with a cold. I’m exhausted. I’m annoyed. And now, I’m pissed off.

The object of my rage is my almost 7 year old. It feels good not to be in control. Until it doesn’t.

I slowly turn around. A tug in my brain to parent differently. I ignore myself.

“Do you honestly think that was the right choice to make right then?”

My voice sounds too controlled and calm. I’m no longer thinking. I’m all reaction.

6 seconds of kicking, screaming, and crying while I physically lift her from my bedroom to her bed, where I let out my anger 6 times on her back end.

Losing my temper.

Then I just stop. I remember too late that this isn’t how I want to parent.

I recognize the fear and pain, and this time, I’m causing it.

I stop hitting, but I’m still too angry to be considered safe right now. The shame of losing it this much is settling in, and it’s not helping me.

I am being too loud. Too aggressive. Too threatening. Too much like my own mother.

Clarity.

I back out of her room and tell her to stay there until her father gets home tonight.

That’s too long. I know it is. Even as I say the words, I know I don’t mean them.

I just have nothing else in my toolkit right now.

A seven, almost eight year old doesn’t have the mental or emotional maturity to calm me, a full-grown adult down. Nor should she. It’s not fair to expect from her what I’m not capable of modeling.

Her reaction understandably escalates until I close the door and take the time I should have taken at the beginning to breathe, think, and choose my actions.

I’m calm now. I’m safe again. I haven’t lost my temper like this in a few years, so I’m definitely making some progress.

Of course, I wish I never got here to begin with.

I have damage control to do.

As much as we try to justify our actions as parents, at the end of the day, our kids learn from what we do more than anything we will ever say.

Before I knock on her door. She slips me an apology note under it. My heart breaks. I’m already laying the foundation for trauma instead of peace. I somehow stop myself from spiraling.

When I go back to apologize, I tell her how proud I am that she thought to apologize first when she was so upset herself.

“Apologizing is hard, and I am so proud of you for being able and willing to take the first step.”

I tell her that I’m sorry too. That even if she hit me first, I’m the adult, and it isn’t ok for me to hit her back. 

I let her know that although I’m still not happy with her being ungrateful, I can see now that I made the wrong choice completely on how to address that.

I promise to do better. And I will do better.

It’s not easy to break cycles.

Sometimes, learned behavior seeps through even when you have the best of intentions.

Sometimes, you will make the wrong choice or do the wrong thing, despite knowing the damage and the pain it causes.

It’s important to acknowledge those moments.

It’s important to never pretend them away.

It’s important to not continue the cycle just because breaking the cycle is so hard. Never give up. Always try to do better.

No one is perfect. We need to model the same grace we want our children to live with ourselves.

If anything good comes from me losing it, it’s that my daughter knows I understand her temper. She knows that mommy loves her even after she loses her temper, too. Even after 35 years of practice, mommy still messes up, so it’s ok if they mess up with only 7 or 10 years of practice.

Acknowledged mistakes are half the battle.

Apologizing to your children when you make the wrong choice and it impacts them will build their trust in you.

We aren’t trying to be perfect. We are trying to be whole.

And we are always fighting to break those  cycles.

Practical Forgiveness

It’s rich when your abuser preaches forgiveness.

And you are completely justified in the feelings of absolute rage that rhetoric provokes.

It’s humbling when your safe friends preach the same message at the same time.

Because even though your personal feelings around the topic are complicated.

You know forgiveness is right.

It’s hard and it’s not fair. It feels like you are giving up your right to justice and recourse and closure.

And it’s still always the right thing to do.

And that is absolutely rage inducing.

And reconciling the two conflicting emotions that are at war in your soul is the single largest internal battle you will ever face.

Because as cliche as it sounds

Forgiveness is not about letting your abuser off the hook.

Forgiveness is about letting your soul acknowledge the pain.

You must acknowledge the pain you face. You must name it for what it is. Forgivness, contrary to our society’s beliefs and expectations is not pretending the offense never happened. Forgiveness is naming the offense for what it was. Becoming intimate with the damage it caused. Being honest about the scars that were left. That still hurt to touch. That are still being protected from too much stimulation because of the sting.

When we get a physical wound, we don’t constantly scrape at it, or poke it. We don’t (or shouldn’t) pick at the scab that is left behind while the new skin is forming. We also don’t ignore the wound when it happens. We clean out the irritants and dirt to avoid infection. We dress the wound with ointment, and we provide an extra layer of protection until healing occurs.

When abuse happens, and we need to forgive our abusers, in common society, we are asked to skip the steps of cleaning, dressing and healing and move on to the final outcome of a healed mark to remind us.

That isn’t logical or possible.

An ignored wound festers. It becomes infected. Try as we would to pretend that nothing is there, the bacteria gets in and makes us sick from the inside out. Sometimes, the infection hurts us more than the original wound would have to begin with.

Just like a child hides from their parent to avoid the pain of cleaning a hurt scrape, we can hide from each other to avoid the pain of repairing a damaged relationship. And just like pretending the damage isn’t there on a physical wound leads to infection and bigger hurt later, pretending that hurt and offense isn’t there in the name of fake forgiveness causes bigger hurt later.

Sepsis is an infection that stems from this type of scenario- and sepsis if left untreated can cause death.

Unforgiveness is the one thing that can cause us to miss out on heaven. Failure to forgive others causes us to not be able to be forgiven.

It is much more difficult to accept the concept of unconditional love when you realize it applies to the person you have the most problems with as equally as it applies to you.

It is much more difficult to practice unconditional love in action (through actions, not feelings) when we are loving those who hurt us intentionally and we know they hurt us intentionally and they are mocking us by quoting the command to forgive back at us.

We are not forgiving for their sake. We are not providing them a free pass. We are clearing ourselves to receive the blessings and not allowing us to be tied to earthly hindrances.

Forgiveness does not mean intentionally putting yourself in the line of fire either. It is perfectly ok to hold no wish of harm towards another person, and also not want them to be in close proximity to you.

Jesus had his circle of 12, but he treated everyone with kindness and respect. Not everyone needs the same level of access to your soul.

James and Paul disagreed- and it was OK

Did you know that James and Paul had opposing views on what it meant to be a Christian? Did you know that Peter took more of a middle of the road stand? Did you know that each wrote important books in the Bible? Did you know that each of their views are evident in Scripture?

Don’t believe me?

Galatians 2: (Paul writing)

But when Peter came to Antioch, I had to oppose him to his face, for what he did was very wrong. When he first arrived, he ate with the Gentile believers, who were not circumcised. But afterward, when some friends of James came, Peter wouldn’t eat with the Gentiles anymore. He was afraid of criticism from these people who insisted on the necessity of circumcision.
Galatians 2:11‭-‬12

James taught that circumcision was necessary, Paul taught it wasn’t- and Peter was stuck in the middle.

At first, Peter sides with Paul.

But, when friends of James came, Peter acted hypocritically.

Paul called Peter out.

Paul didn’t call James out.

It’s ok to have theological differences of opinion.

It’s not ok to treat people differently because of those differences, or depending on whom you are with.

Peter was a disciple, James was Jesus’ brother, and Paul never personally met Jesus during his ministry on earth.

All of them loved Jesus though, and each of them lived according to how they interpreted what that love meant.

For James: Faith without works is dead… I’ll show you my faith by my works… in essence- put your money where your mouth is or it doesn’t matter.

For Paul: For by grace are you saved through faith- not of yourselves, so no one has a reason to boast… a person is made right with God by faith in Jesus, not by obeying the law… in essence- you don’t have to prove yourself- your faith is enough.

For Peter: Be of one mind, sympathize with each, be kind… in essence- avoid disagreements.

For each of these biblical authors, their message was dependent on their life change.

Paul originally persecuted Christians because they didn’t follow the Jewish religion- after his conversion, he didn’t want to burden new Christians with unnecessary laws.

Peter was infamous for his temper. As he grew, his message became more about peace with all men.

James didn’t seem to be fully convinced, or fully committed. Until Jesus rose and ascended. Then, it became all about him proving his faith, and wanting others to do the same.

If you read this far, you’re probably wondering what my point is.

It’s this:

It really doesn’t matter what serving God looks like to you, as long as you are doing what you do as unto God. God sees your heart.

But, on the flip side, just because someone else doesn’t match what you think serving God should look like, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love God.

It’s less about the outward proof of salvation, and more about the inner relationship. If you have the relationship, the outside will either follow or doesn’t matter as much as we think.

Salvation or proof focused people say- how can I be good enough.

Relationship or faith focused people say- how much good can I do?

Don’t get stuck on the appearance. Look at the heart.

And this is the condemnation

condemn: sentence (someone) to a particular punishment, especially death

condemnation: the action of condemning someone to a punishment; sentencing.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

He that believes on him is not condemned: but he that believes not is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

 And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.“

This is a pretty familiar portion of scripture for those who are familiar. For those who aren’t, the above is found in John 3:16 through 19.

Now, I can’t tell you how many times in my evangelical upbringing I have heard and even memorized this passage of scripture and glossed right over these words and then took them to mean something other than what they are saying right there in plain print.

The condemnation (sentence or punishment for rejecting Jesus- or so I was always taught) we are supposed to be avoiding is hellfire and brimstone.

Save souls.

The entire point of Jesus living and serving and then dying and being raised again, and then these words being penned is so that we can reach others and share the gospel message of his life, death, and resurrection with them before it’s too late.

Except, that’s not what the words are saying at all.

What the words are saying is that the condemnation we are supposed to be avoiding is loving darkness more than light. and that those who don’t believe are condemned already.

That doesn’t sound like literal hellfire to me. That doesn’t sound like a fear of the rapture, anxiety-inducing, fear of death, repent before you run out of time kind of message.

We love darkness more than light when our deeds are evil, and we don’t want our deeds to be seen by others.

Because the darkness hides, but the light uncovers.

When we choose to believe in Jesus, we are not condemned because we are choosing the way of light. We are choosing to see the evil for what it is and we are choosing to stop hiding it. From ourselves, and from others. We are choosing the way of love.

When we choose to not believe in Jesus, we are already condemned because we had a chance to choose love, to choose light, and we preferred to continue living in darkness because we liked the benefits of our sin more than the benefits of giving up our sin.

It’s not hellfire and brimstone. It’s a condemnation of deeds.

People who are good and love do good and loving things.

People who are bad and don’t love do bad and unloving things.

And sometimes it’s more complex- with hurt people wanting to do good things and not knowing how or not understanding how their actions ultimately cause pain and suffering- and grace covers that.

Matthew 7-15 states that by their works they shall be known.

John 13:35 states that if you love one another, you will know you are His disciples.

Jesus himself says in John 14: 15 “if you love me keep my commandments” and then in John 15:12 he tells us that “This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you”

God loves us, and we have a chance to experience that love without limitations. We have the choice. The condemnation isn’t some far off experience to avoid. It’s every minute we live without love in our lives knowing we don’t have to.

Ponderings on Mark 2

(an excerpt from verses 19 through 24)

And Jesus said unto them,

“Can the children of the bridechamber fast, while the bridegroom is with them? as long as they have the bridegroom with them, they cannot fast. But the days will come, when the bridegroom shall be taken away from them, and then shall they fast in those days. No man also sews a piece of new cloth on an old garment: or else the new piece that filled it up takes away from the old, and the tear is made worse. And no man puts new wine into old bottles: or else the new wine would burst the bottles, and the wine is spilled, and the bottles will be marred: but new wine must be put into new bottles.”

And it came to pass, that he went through the corn fields on the sabbath day; and his disciples began, as they went, to pluck the ears of corn. And the Pharisees said unto him,

“Behold, why do they do on the sabbath day that which is not lawful?”

In verse 16 we see the catalyst for Jesus’ words:

And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, “How is it that he eats and drinks with publicans and sinners?”

Jesus hears this and replies:

“They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance”

Which is when Jesus is questioned about fasting and we see the familiar use of spiritual metaphor in his response.

So what is being said?

No man also sews a piece of new cloth on an old garment: or else the new piece that filled it up takes away from the old, and the tear is made worse

and

no man puts new wine into old bottles: or else the new wine would burst the bottles, and the wine would spill, and the bottles will be marred:

and

new wine must be put into new bottles

It’s like Jesus is saying that he is the bridegroom and the piece of new cloth and the new wine.

And his generation, his time, humanity then is the old garment and the old bottles;

And there needs to be a new garment to be able to contain the new cloth, new bottles to be able to contain the new wine.

And there is a tear between his generation or time and the next generation or time.

And his being there will make things worse for the old garment and the old bottles because what he has and is, is brand new.

And that tear is the law. The longer Jesus is there, the more he exposes the flaws between a doctrine of legalism and a doctrine of grace.

And the tear still exists. And there still needs to be a place to put the new wine because the alternative is to let it spill and go to waste.

So like wine ages, his teachings will age until a new time comes again:

And there are new bottles able to contain the new wine, and he can create the new out of the old garment:

And maybe, just maybe:

That’s also why the mixing of fabrics was so looked down on too.

Because if you choose the law you are effectively making the sacrifice of Jesus worthless.

And if you use grace as an excuse to sin- you are making a mockery of the one you claim to love.

You Can’t Legislate Greed

You can’t legislate greed. 

The part of human nature that keeps you coming back for more. 

What is enough for me, may not be enough for you. 

Circumstances are not static. 

Experiences are not carbon copies.

Memories are not imprints.

It is said that a man cannot serve two masters. 

You cannot be a servant to the desire for more-

And a desire for justice. 

Eventually, the cause of one will outweigh the needs of the other. 

When will we be satisfied with all of our gain?

When will our thirst be quenched?

When will the beast within be tamed?

You can’t legislate greed. 

In a world of law and order and sanctions-

A loophole will file another appeal.

It won’t matter how many times the pendulum swings. 

Or how many times the hourglass flips. 

The sand will always sift. 

There will always be those that have- and those that have-not. 

You can’t legislate greed. 

So let’s start in the homes. 

Let’s be thankful for what we have. 

Let’s see the beauty in the old. 

Let’s pause before we waste. 

You can’t legislate greed. 

But we can choose a better way. 

Ashley Smith, March 17, 2023.

A lie is a lie

“A lie is a lie, whether you’re joking or not”. The tone Jeremy used to correct me, a little girl of about 8, was firm and serious.

I remember feeling confused by his words, and can still feel the carefree smile mixed with laughter leave my mind to be immediately followed by a fear that would become all too familiar in my adult life.

I hadn’t meant to do anything wrong. I had only wanted to make him laugh. He seemed to really like my mom, so I really wanted him to like me too. He never seemed to want me around when he visited.

I knew that lying was wrong. I remembered how angry my Nanny got with me when I lied about wearing the makeup I was given at a birthday party.

I wanted to wear the beautiful blue, shiny powder so badly. It was so beautiful, and I wanted to feel beautiful too.

“Young ladies that love God don’t wear makeup.” My aunt had gently explained. “You can have it for the drive home, but when we get home, I’m afraid we’re going to have to throw it out. You don’t want God to think you don’t like how He made you, do you?”

Of course I didn’t. I loved God, and I wanted to be a good girl so He would love me too. All I ever wanted was to be good enough to be loved.

But, the sparkles had my full attention. Only a little bit wouldn’t hurt….

“Is Ashley wearing makeup?” Nanny asked my aunt, her disapproval was evident in my shame filled mind.

“No.” I lied.

It never occurred to me that it was obvious that I was lying.

A few days, maybe a week later, Nanny stopped to talk to my uncle through the car window. I was so excited to see her. I hadn’t seen her since the makeup Birthday party, and I had already forgotten that I told her a lie.

“I love you Nanny!” I shouted through the window excitedly.

Nanny turned her small frame toward me, and looked at me with sad eyes through her round glasses. She didn’t say a word to me, but she asked my uncle to remind me that little girls who lie don’t deserve to be spoken to. Then she walked away. I was crushed. I also never forgot how bad lying was, and took great care to be as honest as I could be from then on.

“A lie is a lie, whether you’re joking or not.”

I wasn’t sure I liked how that sounded, but lying was wrong and Jeremy believed it. Jeremy liked my mom, so I had to make sure to be very careful to only tell the truth. No more jokes.

It’s really hard to make people laugh when you have to worry about not making God angry all of the time. If joking is the same as lying, God must be a very serious, stern person.

If Silence Could Speak

If I were the Silence
What would I say?
What would compel me
To throw Silence away?

Would I speak with a voice
Calm, free of regret?
Would I whisper a prayer
Filled with hope, but yet…

Would I make a false start
And then change my mind
Would the thoughts I see swirling
Take form or rewind?

If I were the Silence
What stories I’d tell
Of people who loved
And people who fell

With wisdom beside me
I ponder and think
For Silence no more
I am once I speak.

Misguided, Fable, or Truth?

Saw this floating around, and thought I would give a side by side comparison. This meme replaces “turn their ears from the truth” with “they won’t listen to what the Bible says.”

What’s the difference?

Simply put, the Bible, as we know it, and as it is implied here, didn’t exist at the time these words were written.

The concept is true, but the impact is insidious.

By correlating “the Bible” with “what is true”, you take away the readers trust in their God-given ability to use logic and sound reasoning.

You breed a fear of questioning the tenants of the religion they were raised in.

You create an “us vs. them” mentality.

You remove the quality of worshipping God with your whole mind, and replace it with the expectation of “obedience to those in spiritual authority over you”. (Which by the way, isn’t a biblical concept. Jesus removed hierarchy.)

One component of Spiritual abuse is removing the peace of a relationship with God and replacing that peace with the fear of getting it wrong. Because, eternal consequences.

Impact over intention.

Contrary to the beliefs of many, the Bible was never meant to be taken literally. Individual books need to be read and understood in their entirety in light of the context of the culture, and original audience.

The book of Timothy was written to Timothy, not to present day American Christians. We benefit, but we are not the intended audience.

If you disagree, feel free to apply 1 Timothy 5:23 just as literally.

If drinking wine is a suggestion for Timothy only because of culture, time, health, etc. so is the rest of the letter.

If the rest of the letter is literal, so is the command to drink a little wine.

Either way, enjoy!